Today I sit here trying process everything I have been learning over the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I found myself in a place I so often try to avoid but yet is all to familiar. The feelings of not feeling complacent being single just hit me hard and I didn’t quite see it coming. It’s a feeling I try to avoid but that day I just couldn’t get around it. I was that girl that would read every relationship book I could find( when God writes your love story, captivating, for woman only,etc..) all because I just wanted someone to tell me that it’s okay. It’s okay to be single, it’s okay not be in that place yet that I so desperately wanted to be and I wanted to know what I was doing wrong. After reading those books I would get a calm sense of peace, that would gradually start to fade until I picked up another book.
Then recently, on my hour long drives to work I would find myself talking to God and just being honest and open with how I was feeling. Words cannot express how life has changed over the last two weeks because of it. I would read these books and cling to every word, thinking I would have to follow all these rules in order to be in a relationship or the ultimate goal marriage. Things like preparing yourself for a relationship, writing letters to your future spouse( well, I never actually did this one), or being the perfect Godly woman.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even though these books give really sound advice, for me they meant nothing if I am just looking at these things as the ticket to a relationship. I feel that God has been telling me that I was focusing on the wrong things. He was telling me to let go already and to let him handle it. A sense of relief and peace just surrounded me after realizing this. So for now I am focusing on loving myself and allowing God to change me into that person that will be ready for a relationship when the time comes. As I cling to God, I am realizing that all the things in those book just start to happen naturally.
I am focusing on doing the things I love. Focusing on my life and investing in the people around me. I am living my life and trusting God to do the rest. Life starts now, I should be enjoying it not wasting it or putting my life on pause wishing for things to happen. I am embracing life, learning to Love myself fully and loving life just as it is. My ideal plan didn’t quite work out but that’s okay because God’s plan is better.
“Do not arouse or awaken love until it’s ready” Song of Solomon 8:4